Deep Thoughts at Wal-Mart

I was trying to get into the parking lot of the local Wal-Mart. The fact that I was even near a Wal-Mart is astounding if you know me, because I HATE Wal-Mart. To me it symbolizes everything that is wrong with our society; “I want cheap crap and I want it from China.” But as is the case the 2-3 times a year I grace their checkout lines, it is for one lone reason that takes me there. They have something I can’t get anywhere else. In this case, it’s the new release from AC/DC. Now I’m not particularly an AC/DC fan. I don’t own any of their albums and never have. I have a few choice selections on my mp3 player, but that’s about it. I grew up in that early 80’s era and know the lyrics to a few of their more popular tunes of that time. So more than anything, the curiosity of what the album contents are has me seeking it out. Usually, I would just log into my Rhapsody account, use a few of my free download tracks for the month and decide if I want to buy select tracks but rarely a whole album. But since the music Nazis have signed an exclusive deal with W-M, here I am.

Now I said all that to explain why I’m even here, because like I said, I don’t like W-M. But here we are, trying to find a blasted parking space. It’s drizzling, it’s cold and I don’t want to be here any longer than possible. I can’t even get in the lot. Why? I wait for what seems like hours (but in actuality is probably two minutes) to find a woman is waiting for someone to back out of the second to the closest parking space instead of taking the 5 million spaces that are available just a few yards away. She gets her precious space and I go down the aisle about 50 yards or so where I have my choice of many different spaces with no one around. I jump out of my black, mid-life crisis sports car and hit the remote lock on my key faub to the familiar “chirp-chirp” of the alarm system. I have a brisk step because it’s a little chilly; right around 43° and it’s spitting a rain/sleet mixture. I catch up to the woman who caused my delay who has just finished unloading herself from her minivan. I say unloading; because that’s the nicest way I can describe what takes place, if you get my drift.

I get in the store and meander my way to my specific goal and remember a request from my wife to pick up a Charlie Brown movie (another story in itself). So around this colossal warehouse I roam looking for what will make my wife happy when I notice something. I seem to be the only healthy person in the place who doesn’t need an electric cart to do my shopping. It appears that the general population has exploded… and I don’t mean in numbers. Everybody puts on a few pounds as we get older and I’m no exception. I’ll be the first to admit, it gets harder to fight the furniture disease (my chest dropped to my drawers) but come on people, is the new body standard 400lbs?

I get out of the chinese crap distributor and begin to weave my way around cars, cars that are waiting for that precious sign of back up lights from someone already taking up the golden spaces close to the door. I shake my head and realize that there are so many things wrong with this picture it would take a book to fill them.

I get back to my car which is in about the middle of the lot, with several unoccupied spaces all around me and slip in out of the weather. It’s no wonder heart disease, clogged arteries, diabetes, back problems and even cancers of all kinds plague our population; we can’t even walk a few extra feet to our cars, let alone eat right and exercise.

Editorial Note: Black Ice by AC/DC is… well… a rehash of everything they’ve done since 1977. Move the guitar licks around, change a few of the words and… voila! New album.

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